Well I have had to deal with a couple memories from the past. The most important one I guess would have been getting a call from the ex on xmas. She was calling to thank me for the coffee cake (a cake my mom makes and we send out on the holidays, that I dropped off with a note saying congratulations on graduation). I just dropped it off I didn’t see her or her family when I did this. Anyways she said thanks and I said merry xmas and your welcome. She didn’t say anything else and there was an awkward pause. I don’t think she really called to say anything else except thank you. I don’t know why she would even call since we are not really talking. I mean I really wish we could be friends, but we can't. We both think about everything and have so much on our minds we wish we could say, but we don't and we can't start talking down the same path again. So there is just a large pressure that makes even basic conversations impossible. I told her a long time ago that we really can't just be friends, and it is true, as we sat on the phone in silence waiting for the conversation to be ended by someone. I realized that the person I loved doesn't really exist anymore, the person I loved never had a hard time talking to me. I never had a hard time talking to them, now it is like we are two different people who share a common past. It is sad, scary, and very true, but we don’t know anything about each others lives anymore. We can't even bring ourselves to ask the other person about their life. I wish we could talk as friends, I wish we could be a small part of each others lives, but it can't be this way and it is so hard to stay so silent when their is so much to say. So much to ask. So much to wonder?
I have dreamed a million times that she would call again and we would talk... Not once in my dream did we sit in silence. It was always the both of us just opening up and really wanting the same thing. After getting a call in real life and seeing how we can't even convey simple feelings to one another such as thank you. It was nice, I still miss you, but we know how it will end. It just shows that my dreams have been just that dreams. This world isn't the movies, and no matter what I have thought and felt or said. The world isn't like the movies.
The most important part I think is probably that in the end I was ok. I mean I was a little sad, and wish things could be different, but I know they can't. So it was just nice to feel well she called said thanks and that was it and I am ok. It wasn't even like I was talking to the person that has been in my head all these years. I didn’t expect anymore than what happened, and I don’t miss her any more or less based on it. Perhaps my mind has finally moved on passing it off as nothing more than past. Perhaps I just know she isn't the person I want to be with anymore. Perhaps I can finally look back on the past and be happy about what happened there, without wanting my present to just be my past. I wouldn't be happy with all the same things that I had back then. I have changed so much my self. I have learned many things that alter what I want out of life. That is a good thing.
I guess all I am saying is with a little hello and goodbye on the phone. There really is no purpose anymore. It isn't really a part of who I am anymore just a part of who I was. So, I don’t have any reason just to say hello, and perhaps she won’t feel the need ever again. That is something that I guess I am alright with.
